Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The 100 Worst Things That Have Ever Happened To Me, 1972-2006.

  1. My cat vomited on my original copy of "Slanted and Enchanted."
  2. Friends saw me air drumming to the Pixies.
  3. My dentist caught me in a lie.
  4. I shared a cubicle with a Billy Joel fan.
  5. I made my mom cry.
  6. I saw a Journey cover band.
  7. My sister caught me reading a romance novel.
  8. My wife caught me listening to Ministry.
  9. I was caught drinking "bum" wine.
  10. I mocked a potential employer during an interview.
  11. My grandmother made me wear wingtips.
  12. My cat scratched my face.
  13. My boss poured hot soup on my hands.
  14. My mom caught me crying.
  15. A fish bit me.
  16. My cat killed a mouse.
  17. I was accused of making naughty photocopies.
  18. I grew long hair.
  19. My wife caught me watching the WB.
  20. I made a Freudian slip repeatedly during an interview.
  21. I fell asleep in class.
  22. I saw my mother's husband nude.
  23. My DSL connection fucked up.
  24. I got my hands dirty.
  25. I answered a question wrong during class.
  26. I was interrupted.
  27. I tried getting into German Industrial music.
  28. I tried to smoke.
  29. "Planet Of The Apes" was interrupted.
  30. The garbage guy laughed at me.
  31. I admitted to taking steroids.
  32. I was caught in a compromising situation.
  33. I didn't drop acid.
  34. I tried to be a fancy lad.
  35. I saw a baby bunny die.
  36. My daughter exposed my deceit.
  37. I saw a German guy wearing a speedo.
  38. I bought the wrong booze.
  39. I got a fat lip.
  40. I had horrible acne.
  41. I met a Dachshund.
  42. I went grey.
  43. I never got a nickname.
  44. I called my neighbor a moron.
  45. I went to "The Taste."
  46. I dropped my Listerine PocketPaks.
  47. My inner gangsta was revealed.
  48. My family left me.
  49. I didn't get the part.
  50. My TiVo was sloppy.
  51. My lack of soul was clearly visible.
  52. I was a closeted cheerleader.
  53. I cancelled HBO.
  54. I lost the coolest sunglasses ever.
  55. I didn't know the words.
  56. I overstated the musical abilities of the Chicago Bears.
  57. I saw an inappropriate double-feature with my parents.
  58. I ran out of fabric softener sheets.
  59. I went to a Sting concert.
  60. I declined an offer for a homemade kegarator.
  61. I came off like a total dick.
  62. Andy left.
  63. Nobody would buy my Sisters Of Mercy disc.
  64. I declined an offer for easy money.
  65. I pretended to know more than I actually did.
  66. I declined an offer to join an international conspiracy organization and rule the world.
  67. A former classmate helped me move.
  68. I was tagged.
  69. I watched the game on tape delay.
  70. I made my boss cry.
  71. I made another boss cry.
  72. The buttons on my TiVo remote began to fade.
  73. My body did not absorb certain carbohydrates in the small intestine.
  74. I drank Keystone Light.
  75. I accidentally rooted for the New York Yankees.
  76. I was mistaken for a homeless person.
  77. My sources provided me with too much information.
  78. I listened to a Dave Matthews song.
  79. My neighbor rocked out to the Dave Matthews Band.
  80. I let my daughter pee on someone I didn't like.
  81. I declined a free ticket to see Nirvana's last Chicago show.
  82. I declined an offer to see Stevie Ray Vaughn's last concert.
  83. I saw EMF in concert.
  84. Nielsen Media Research called when I wasn't home.
  85. I stumped the piano player.
  86. I stayed in a hostel.
  87. I aged.
  88. I had too much of a good thing.
  89. I bored my analyst.
  90. I partied with a nudist.
  91. My friend went to see the Grateful Dead and I did not.
  92. I had "Emo" hair.
  93. I sullied the good name of the 1985 Chicago Bears.
  94. George W. Bush was sworn in as the 43rd President of the U.S.
  95. I was unaware an elderly woman was flirting with me.
  96. I began a blog.
  97. My neighbors spoke Klingonese.
  98. I didn't buy a timeshare.
  99. I overdosed.
  100. I made a list of the 100 worst things that have ever happened to me and people from around the world found humor in my misfortune.
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